Why I never!

Never have I seen the incomparable Paula Abdul in concert, or an epic WWE pay-per-view in person — or ever been blinded by the flashbulbs of an NBA All-Star Weekend.

I’ve never bought a home, a boat, an RV, or even a riding lawnmower for that matter.

At no time, have I been on an awe-inspiring Alaskan cruise, or watched your beautiful hair dance in the warm island breeze of a cruising convertible. I haven’t seen your gorgeous eyes squint from the sun going down in front of our cross-country bound adventure mobile.

Not ever, have I had broadway play tickets, Pentacle Theatre season passes — or rink-side seats to JoJo Siwa on Ice. Okay, I’m not sure that last one is really a thing.

Not yet, have I felt your hand squeeze mine during a haunted house or before a routine medical procedure or at a loved one’s funeral. I have yet to watch your smile after seeing your son graduate from high school and college — or catch a glimpse of that side-eye you’ll surely give your daughter’s first boyfriend.

There’s zero chance I have seen a woman do more for her kids.

Nevermore, will I lose to a more sexy woman at Scrabble, cornhole, or my favorite game: guessing what time it is. 

Never, have I been taken care of so well or been around someone so giving, compassionate and beautiful inside and out.

While I haven’t witnessed, felt or experienced the things I described here, there’s only one person I want to share these firsts with. 

Here’s one more while I’m at it. I’ve never seen anyone ask this way… Sarah Nicole Anderson — Will you marry me?

(Andrew Jackson is the production manager, graphic designer at the Keizertimes and resident smart aleck.)