By DON VOWELL
Oregon is very near the center line of the path the August 21 solar eclipse will follow. If you have distant friends looking for lodging it is already too late. For this reason we have decided to open our home for those still needing a room. Not only will they be able to enjoy this very rare celestial treat but, coincidentally, it falls exactly at the same time as Lütenpillage, a rarely celebrated tribute to capitalism where local merchants observe the influx of tourists with special pricing.
In order to preserve Keizer’s safety we ask that you notify prospective guests right away so there will be enough time for semi-extreme vetting. This application process will be included in the price of the room. All guests must swear they have not met with any official of the Russian government and must submit tax returns for the last five years unless of course they are currently being audited by the IRS. Because we have our finger on the pulse of American health care, so to speak, we’ve already repealed the Affordable Care Act at our house. We’ll need a doctor’s letter certifying that guests are healthy.
There will however be a small surcharge for the wall we are building around the north and south borders of our property. When we find which undesirables we are keeping out we will bill them and send you a refund. As we have a private email server, we ask that all highly classified government business be done on your own devices. Wi-Fi is supplied free of charge. The password is $25.
So that guests will feel fully embedded in native lifestyle the rooms are decorated in humble, thrift shop/McNary High décor typical to Keizer. Air conditioning would be out of place, but small, quiet fans are included. Rooms are carpeted and have blinds and doors to protect your privacy. Each room has a closet you could conceivably walk in. Small travel bags that fit under the bed are allowed at no cost, and there is only a $35 fee for each larger suitcase. Each room will cost only $345 per night. The bathroom is down the hall to the right. Owners claim first dibs. Showers are timed and rated per minute.
Directly out the back door of the house is a bird sanctuary so, though pets are welcome, we ask that you lock them in your car at all times. Speaking of cars, valet parking is available at $30 a night. If your dogs seem resentful at spending the night in the car a complimentary pass to Keizer’s beautiful riverside dog park is included at no charge.
Though we consider this establishment more bed than breakfast, a small breakfast is provided from 8 to 8:20 each morning. Choices include toaster pastries, pre-cooked sausage patties, shrink-wrapped muffins, bulk cereals, fruit-free fruit drinks, gluten-free, fat-free, sugar free, peanut-free, and taste-free items.
For your leisure time there is a piano on site. We have a television with eight or 10 channels, an original Nintento game console with Tetris, and fully shuffled cards.
Don’t miss Keizer’s local attractions when you visit. We are within easy walking distance of the new roundabout, where near-misses and traffic standoffs provide thrills as passive and aggressive drivers make their decisions. There is also the Claggett Creek Wildlife Reserve where there are regular sightings of cows. Heavy rains occasionally produce enough standing water to attract a variety of mostly geese.
There is minor league baseball, little league ball and possibly a new Winco store by then. Keizer Station has lots of new stores and restaurants and guided tours will be offered so that you can avoid endless looping in search of an exit.
This is Oregon. If complete overcast prevents viewing of the eclipse a handwritten note of deep sympathy will be sent to your home. Postage due.
(Don Vowell gets on his soapbox regularly in the Keizertimes.)